But it’s hard.
It’s hard trying to lose weight. Like, I’ve been eating clean. I’ve been working out.
I stopped drinking… during the day. Like, I’ve been doing [bleep] This [bleep] is ridiculous,
but I got to get it off. I got to get it off, but it’s
hard because I’m dating. It’s, like, all guys want to
do is take you out to eat. Like, they need a manual
on some more [bleep] to do on a date [bleep] They take you to the comedy
show, take you out to eat. They take you to the museum,
take you out to eat. They will take you to breakfast, pick you back up,
and try to take [bleep] Take me for a walk, bitch. Damn! And you can always go to
a restaurant and eat healthy. You can go anywhere
and get you a salad, get you some grilled chicken
and vegetables. But when he take you out
somewhere fancy and you order a salad,
he looking at you crazy. He’s staring at
your plate, like, “Why you trying to lose weight? You so beautiful.” [ Laughter ] And I’m like, “I didn’t say
I was ugly What the [bleep]” [ Laughter ] “I never said that, sir,
alright? I just want to shop
at Forever 21 without busting the seams
out these dresses. Can I do that? Can I stop messing
these dressing rooms up?” ‘Cause that’s what’s going on
with me. I’m the dressing-room
bandit, bitch. I be in there,
I don’t care. I don’t care. I don’t like shopping
on the plus side. I don’t. They charge you more. [ Laughter ] I’m bigger, not richer, okay? No. No. “Okay. How much
material you need?” “I want to pay the same $8
these skinny hos pay. You telling me Jesus could feed
5,000 with two loaves of bread, but you can’t stretch
this small into a double-X? You are not applying yourself. Do better.” I shop on the regular side. I just grab anything
that’ll stretch. Spandex — I’m taking all that. Anything that stretch,
I take all that stuff in the dressing room
with so much hope. [ Laughter ] Oh, so much positive energy,
so much optimism, because I know
that through Christ I can do all things, so… “Something is gonna
fit me today. Come on, Jesus.” Yes. And I take them clothes
in there, and I [bleep] them clothes up.
You hear me? I — Oh, zipper busted,
buttons popped. Blazers splitting in the back. I just Hulk smash everything.
I just… Oh, it be so loud. I’ll be moaning.
I’ll be screaming. It feel like
I’m getting attacked. It’s just — It’s a terrible
experience. And you know what? You can just leave them
clothes in there. You ain’t got to take them
back out. Just leave them. You ain’t got to hang them up
on that regret rack. You ain’t got to do that. That little self-esteem killer. No.
They’ll figure it out. But you can’t sneak out. You try to sneak out,
but the sales clerk all in your business. You try to walk out low key,
she’s like, “Ohh. So nothing worked for you?” [ Laughter ] You’re like, “No, bitch. And it ain’t gonna work
for nobody else ’cause that [bleep] up
in there, girl. That’s trash, clearance,
marked-down, irregular. Better yellow dot all that.
It’s over. Them clothes
ain’t no good, girl.” So now I’m banned from, like,
three Forever 21s. Y’all got to stop letting
the Hulk in your dressing room. “Accessories only?
What the [bleep]”