Lying to Your Own Weight Loss App – Jessica Kirson – This Week at the Comedy Cellar

Lying to Your Own Weight Loss App – Jessica Kirson – This Week at the Comedy Cellar


– You look tense, are you okay? You look very scared right now. Do you think I’m gonna eat you? I can ’cause you’re protein. (laughing) I really feel good about myself because I’ve been
on Weight Watchers. I don’t know if
anyone’s on that, but you download an app, have you done it? Have you done it? Have you done it? All right, I’m sorry,
I’m just in a rush. Have you done Weight Watchers where you download an app? – Yes. – Yes, and are you honest on it? Because I lie on my own app. I do, I’m the only one that
sees it and I lie on it. This morning I had
a quart of cream, and I wrote down one tablespoon. I am the biggest liar. I started lying
on other apps too. Like I got a Fitbit and
strapped it onto my greyhound and took him to the track. And I ran 38,000 miles. Yeah, it was really good. I love how you’re
laughing right now, it’s making me feel better. What’s your name? I know you can’t, I
can’t breathe either, because I don’t
take care of myself. So I have a very hard time
breathing at this point. I’m not even kidding. I mean you can’t breathe
’cause you’re laughing, I don’t laugh, I never laugh. I’m a comedian, I am miserable. I am dead inside,
please help me. Okay, where are you from? What do you do? (mumbling) So, what’s your name? I have to ask you,
you look so happy. – My name’s Keesa. – Keesa. Where are from? What does Keesa stand for? – It’s a whole thing. – Please say the whole story, ’cause it’ll take up my time and then I don’t have to
tell another fucking joke. If you say the whole
history of your name, I can leave here and go
eat in my car secretively. ‘Cause no one knows what
I do, and it’s chips. It’s dangerous, I fuck
my face with chips. It’s not even like pudding
or something gentle. It’s (yelling) just sharp
sharp objects at this point. You do that too? Oh but you vomit, I don’t vomit. You have to vomit,
it’s not in you. Oh my God. Jessica you’re out
of control tonight. You are out of control. You should have had a
protein bar, you’re hungry. So you’re attacking people,
that’s what’s happening. You know, nine
almonds is a serving. Nine, nine almonds, you’re a fucking animal,
that’s what you are. You ate seven bags
of almonds today. No wonder why, you’re backed up, you’re backed
up, and you need to juice. That’s what everyone says. If you juice,
you’ll feel better. It’ll cure your
childhood if you juice. Oh God. (applause) That’s very nice, thank you. That’s great, are there
Jewish people here? (applause) You’re not Jewish, are you? – I’m a pizza bagel. – You’re a pizza bagel? Oh my god, all the answers are making me wanna
start cutting. I don’t know what it is tonight. – An Italian Jew. – I get it, I get it,
I have a Master’s. Okay, I love you. Is mom Jewish? – No, dad. – Oh okay, so you’re not, you’re the enemy. So I’m totally joking. Where do you live? – I live in Brooklyn now. – [Jessica] Oh good, okay great. – It’s her birthday today. – I don’t give a fuck. I’m joking, I’ll do
an old joke for you because it’s your birthday. Before I go, is it
your birthday today? How old are you, 19? – 30. – 30, you look great. Great, are you guys
together, the two of you? – [Woman In Crowd] Yes. – How long have
you been together. – Four and a half years. – Okay, did you just
say it’s her birthday because you want to
get head tonight? I don’t suck anymore, but when I did I was good at it. When I sucked dick,
because I’m an eater. Do you know what I’m saying? So I liked that
feeling in the back. (gagging) I like that, I do it with
sandwiches every night. I just don’t like
what’s inside of it. I don’t like that. Like I’m not a fan of glue. I can’t end on that. I can’t end on something dirty before the next person comes up. Anal doesn’t even hurt
a lot if you go slow. (laughing) (upbeat music)

43 thoughts on “Lying to Your Own Weight Loss App – Jessica Kirson – This Week at the Comedy Cellar

  1. I already thought this lady was hilarious but when she said, "All these answers are making me want to start cutting." I fucking lost it

  2. Is it me or do a lot of these recent videos sound like the laughs are added in on a separate track? Sounds like a 90s sitcom

  3. “You ate 7 bags of almonds today”

    😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

    She’s so good now

    She’s always been funny, but she’s a master now

  4. I have a theory that female comedians are working their way through the history of comedy. This video confirms that they’ve reached the early 80s.

  5. I'm beginning to think that men who insult female comedians are just trying to provoke a response so they can finally speak to one

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